Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
