The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is wine microwaveable?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
