his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
