last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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