member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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