I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
