My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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