I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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