My Higher Power is John Stamos
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nutella sex= disaster
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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