It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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