Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
