I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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