just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize