dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
