I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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