Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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