I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize