I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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