if you like me you must not know who I am
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
