I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I looked at my own cervix.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
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