i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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