We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
