One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
