Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
