Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
