I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He? As in you personified your dick?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
