My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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