Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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