How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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