doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
