my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
