Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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