dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
