Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
