...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
