I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
