Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
