I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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