I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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