Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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