considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
