My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
