Ambien. No doubt about it.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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