She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
