In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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