Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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