Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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