who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
