Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
