Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need to rekindle our bromance
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
