she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
