Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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