if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
