I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
