Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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