I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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