If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
