hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
