why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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