Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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